TNA Review 11-20-08

We begin tonight with the Main Event Mafia. And hey! Real Estate Steve is making a rare appearence when the group is acting like heels! Who knew? They come out with a coffin, and Angle says they are there to give Christian Cage a proper burial. I love shoot comments that aren't supposed to be shoot comments. Angle then blows it by once again bringing up the rumor that Christian might be going back to WWE. See, to the rabid pro-TNA fans in attendance, that makes Christian the heel, and the MEM the faces. Which the fuck is it, Russo? Angle asks if anyone has any final words, and Rhino shows up. Rhino complains that problems with Christian's decisions should have been taken up in the back. Oh christ, here we go again. Everything you see out here is fake, except for what's happening right now. This is a SHOOT, brother! Big Graybeard talks some trash, and Rhino responds by calling the MEM egomaniacs and saying he connects more with the TNA Originals. The MEM are also a bunch of *&^%$, especially Booker T. Ohhh, Idi Amin did not like that one! Speaking of which, Booker drops the Idi Amin accent when he yells at Rhino. Is it because he's mad, or because it's hard to take someone in a main event storyline seriously when they speak in such a goofy way, and he finally wised up? Anyway, Rhino stupidly charges in and gets a beatdown for his trouble, and Booker lays him out with the Legends title, busting him open. Rhino gets tossed in the casket as Jeff Jarrett, Mick Foley, and Jeremey Borash watch from the back. Mick has never seen anything like this. Not D-X. Not the nWo. Yeah, those groups drew money. Jarrett reiterates that he's not fighting Kurt Angle, no way no how buster! Jeff tells Mick to hype the main event for Final Resolution tonight, no matter what Kurt Angle does. At least I'm gonna get a Mick Foley promo out of this show.

Back from break, and Joe and Styles are arguing with the Machine Guns. Mick shows up and makes a match between the two teams TONIGHT! while knocking Alex Shelley. I hope this slow turn means something for Shelley. His work as Jeff Jarrett's flunky a few years ago was nothing short of brilliant. Chris Sabin's pouty-face is pretty awesome, too. Mick paraphrases Nathan Hale, and teases more dressing down for Alex in the future.

Sonjay Dutt (with SoCal Val) and Hiroshi Tanahashi v. Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal. Double team by the heels to start, but Creed trips Tanahashi as he goes to the ropes and pulls him out. Springboard back elbow by Lethal on Dutt, but Val taunts her former lover, and that leads to a snapmare and mounted punches for Sonjay. Tanahashi tags in, which leads to a pretty slick sitting dropkick/360 splash legdrop combo by the heels which gets two. Attempted backdrop turns into a Lethal dropkick, and Creed and Dutt tag in. Punches and kicks for both heels until Dutt hits a jawbreaker to stop Creed. Considering the lukewarm (at best) response that Creed gets, he needs to take more than just the last name of Carl Weathers' character, he needs to be the arrogant jerk that Apollo Creed was. That's what made him a compelling character. You don't call yourself Creed, then act like Balboa. Dutt gets some minor offense in, but a springboard gets turned into a Creed TKO for the three-count. Considering the talent, these guys should have had a lot more time, but fun and fast paced for a TV match. *3/4.

The Beautiful People, epitome of a great gimmick that never pays off in the ring, join us from their palacial estate backstage. They don't know what a Sojourner Bolt is. Join the club, ladies. Hope it has more charisma than a Taylor Wilde. The BP wax philosophic on what life must have been like for Sojourner in school. They then turn to Christy Hemme, as Angelina Love points out a wrestling ring is not a strip club. Don't bury your own gimmick, Angie!

Who is Suicide? The only guy who bought the TNA videogame, probably.

We get a video hyping the return of Feast of Fired. As long as it isn't as horribly convoluted as last time, fine. You know, the only reason the Money in the Bank briefcase ever changes hands is because guys get injured, not to swerve the audience.

Jim Cornette, pointless authority figure now that Foley and Jarrett are on the show, is in his office with Eric Young, Shane Sewell, and Shiek Abdhul Bashir. Cornette says Sewell's wrestling days are over, that he never made it in this country, and he has to deal with that. The X-Division title is returned to Bashir, Sewell is put on probation and can't touch anybody, and Young gets a shot at the Legends title tonight. Nothing like a reverse Danny Davis storyline to electrify the crowd.

The Beautiful People (with Cute Kip) v. Sojourner Bolt and Christy Hemme. Mike Tenay continues to hype the Sarah Palin bullshit. This is why you have less credibility than Don West, "Professor". Bolt and Love start out, and Bolt immediately looks lost out there. Shoulderblock is met with a bicycle kick and mounted punches by Love. Velvet Sky tags in for a double elbow and a two count. Sky draws Christy Hemme in while Love chokes out Bolt, as I wonder how this could possibly be worse than Kelly Kelly v. Victoria on Raw Monday. At least that only went two minutes. Cross-body for Bolt gets two, and Velvet goes after the leg. Stun-gun by Bolt as Tenay and West won't shut up about Sarah Palin. Most people see you as the joke promotion guys. Is talking about the joke candidate really the best way to change that perception? 9 times out of 10, Vince only hypes celebrity appearences that have a chance of actually happening. Lukewarm tag to Hemme leads to a clothesline on Love, screaming, Trish Stratus' old Matrix dodge, and a slap for Kip (earn your pay, Monty!). Light's Out by Angelina off the distraction ends this monstrosity. 1/4*. I have never seen a division fall apart so fast once you remove the keystone (Gail Kim).

LAX Rough Cut. This week we're looking at Homicide. Crazy story about getting shot in the leg before a match, so he stuck a tampon in the wound and held it there with duct tape. I like these vignettes, I just wish they would lead to a push for the guys who get them.

The debut of "ODB's Angle". As dumb as it seems, it can't possibly be worse than "Karen's Angle". Sharmel is the guest, and her facials are fabulous. I think Sharmel is one of the most underrated performer's in wrestling, period. She plays heel and face so well, and it is especially hard for a woman to play face in this day and age. She's simply amazing. Okay segment with some funny stuff ("Squirt some lime juice on it, it'll be fine.") and they eventually start arguing about the MEM, leading to Sharmel v. ODB at Final Resolution. Bam!

Why are we doing a rundown of the card FORTY-FIVE MINUTES INTO THE SHOW?

JB with the MEM. Booker wearing jeans while everyone else is in full suits makes him look like a chump. Kurt has some demands for Final Resolution: He wants Jeff Jarrett, and four TNA Scrubs against Steiner, Nash, Booker, and Real Estate Steve. Booker's got to work by himself against four guys?! That hardly seems fair. Why Angle doesn't have the title when he's obviously the leader boggles my mind.

The Motor City Machine Guns v. Samoa Joe and A.J. Styles. Four man brawl to start. Great bit as Joe thows Shelley outside, goes for a tope suicida, but Alex dodges and mule kicks Joe when he turns around. Sabin with his own suicide dive under Shelley's legs, but A.J. knocks Shelley off the apron and wipes both guys out. See, this is why the TNA Originals should be the faces, Russo: They consist of guys who can have these kinds of matches, at the MEM have Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash.

Back from break, as Joe is elbowing Shelley, but Sabin hits him from behind with a flying dropkick. Right hand by Shelley and Sabin tags in, leading double gut shots, double kneecapping, and double side kicks. Sabin poses for us, and shows A.J. how to find his hometown on his hand. I love that taunt. Joe fights back with chops aplenty, but catches a boot in the corner. A Sabin dive is deflected, however, and he gets powerslammed for his troubles. Shelley and Styles both tag in, and A.J. scores with a drop kick. Flying forearm gets two, and A.J. sets up for the Style's Clash, but gets nailed by a Sabin spin kick. Shelley goes for Sliced Bread II, but Joe just destroys him and sends him outside. Sabin retaliates with a flying clothsline on Joe. A.J. hits Sabin with a boot and a chop, but Sabin goes low and the Guns are in control. Cradle Shock is deflected, and Styles gets the Pele Kick on Sabin. Joe kills Sabin with a lariat, Styles Clash for Shelley, and that is all. Short, but fast paced and action all the way. ***. The MEM run in (well, Booker and Angle run. Big Graybeard kind of lumbers in at his leasure) and beat down Joe and Styles while Steiner and Real Estate Steve join us on the outside. Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal try to help, but when know how that turns out.

Raisha Saeed, Awesome Kong, and Raka Kahn are in Traci Brooks office (who's even more useless than Jim Cornette now) demanding new opponents. It seems if Kong has no victims, there will be dire consequences. We'll have to see Kahn wrestle? It's scary how much Traci Brooks is rocking the old school Chyna look.

In the locker room of the TNA Scrubs, Rhino is pissed. TNA is a lot like ECW, it seems, and he's fought this fight before. If they'll fight like men, dammit, he'll die for them, dammit. Too many "dammits", but easily the best promo Rhino's had in 10 years.

Legends Chapionship: Booker T. v. Eric Young.I kinda miss Eric Young not being scared by his own pyro. At least when he was a coward, he was allowed to have a personality. I'm not sure I buy "plucky house afire babyface" Eric Young. Lockup to start, and we get a wonderfully magnanmous break from Book. Hammerlock on Young is reversed, and Booker makes the ropes. Booker pretends to want a lockup, but opts for a knee and a chop instead. Corner charge leads to an armdrag and armbar by Young. Booker fights out, but an irish whip leads to the same sequence. Booker fights out again, but misses the side kick and gets punched out by Young. Booker counters by hanging Young on the top rope, and the side kick is sucessful this time. Thrust kick gets two, but Eric fights back. A thumb to the eye stops that, however, and we go to the chinlock. Showtime fights out one more time, and hits an elbow, clothesline, and bodyslam for two. Death valley driver attempt is countered by the Ax Kick, but that misses and a second DVD attempt by Young is sucessful. It only gets two, however. Sharmel distracts Young, Ax Kick, and we're done. Nice to see Eric get a little offense in. **

Back in the office, it seems Kurt isn't going to like what Mick Foley has to say. If it's the main event I think it is, I'm not going to like it, either.

Team 3-D are backstage with JB, and they want Beer Money. Racially akward moment, as it seems now that we have a black President-elect, Ray says D-Von doesn't shut up. Weird. They're also ticked that they haven't been asked to join the MEM. So they're feuding with Beer Money, and that makes them faces, but they want to join the MEM, the top heel group? Or is the MEM the top face group? Fu. Cking. Russo.

I refuse to recap anything involving Hermie Sadler. Next.

Kevin Nash and Kurt Angle v. Matt Morgan and Abyss. Angle and Abyss start, as Kurt tries some fancy wrestling and winds up on the business end of a shoulderblock. Angle takes a walk and confers with Graybeard, then gets all punchy-kicky. Abyss no-sells and hits a lariat, then pounds Angle down in the corner. A Kurt eye-rake gets him nowhere, as Abyss hits the boot, then the Shock Treatment for two. Morgan is in and Kurt targets the knee. That's countered by the Carbon Footprint, and Kurt no-sells another finishing move for two as we go to break.

Back in with Morgan in control, as he bodyslams Kurt and hits an elbow drop for two. Kurt tags in Graybeard, who not surprisingly takes his time. Punching contest is won by Morgan, but Angle clips the knee, because somebody has to work in that ring. Clothesline from Nash gets two. Knees and elbows in the corner, as this match begins to fall apart without Kurt bumping like a madman. Nash continues to move through his amazing moveset with the boot in th corner, and sweet Jesus, Kurt comes back in. Morgan fights back, but Angle attacks the knee again. European uppercuts lead to an Angle Slam attempt, but Morgan counters with a clothesline and both guys are down. Beer Money, the greatest tag team in the business today, joins us at ringside, with James Storm rocking his own beer tray. Hmmm: Chris Harris, part of a great tag team with James Storm, finds out he's bland and boring as a singles wrestler. Robert Roode, bland and boring singles wrestler, until he becomes part of a great tag team with James Storm. Let's all aknowledge who the star of the team is, shall we? Anyway, Abyss tags in and cleans house, then hits a side slam for two, but Angle saves. Abyss throws Angle outside, then starts a fight with Beer Money as Nash and Morgan brawl very slowly in the ring. Abyss tosses Angle back in, but goes to the top, and Storm breaks a bottle over his head. Nash with the boot, goodnight. Meh. *1/2. Lord Graybeard really needs to not wrestle anymore.

Mick joins us in the ring. He recognizes the fact that the MEM are a huge part of wrestling history, a past he himself is a part of. He also thinks the MEM might be the greatest group ever assembled. He thought change was inevitable, but maybe the MEM is the past, present, and future. All he wanted was a level playing field so the young guys could get a fair shake. So he's booked two main events. First: Booker T., Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and Real Estate Steve v. Samoa Joe, A.J. Styles and two mystery partners. And what I was dreading rears its ugly head, as the stipulation is if any of the TNA Scrubs gets the fall, A.J. becomes TNA champion. So not only does the champion not have to be involved in the decision, neither does the challenger? Have I mentioned how much I hate Vince Russo? Way to build credibility for your main title, guys. Second main event is Kurt Angle v. Rhino. Kurt is out and he's pissed. He wants to know why Jarrett keeps ducking him. If Kurt can't have Jarrett, he wants Mick Foley, and pops Mick in the face. That draws Jarrett out. He won't let Kurt destroy what he built from the ground up. Jarrett makes the stipulation that if Kurt wins, he gets Jarrett at the next PPV. If Rhino wins, Kurt is fired. Kurt slaps Jeff, Rhino gores Kurt, and we're out.

The focus remains strong on the main storyline, but the retarded stipulations combined with the fact that I don't know who the good guys are keep me from crossing the line. We'll see...