Thankful That I DON'T Have Xbox Live

After a wonderful holiday at my in-laws, consisting of great food, good conversation, and mediocre football, I take stock of what I have to be thankful for. It's a lot, quite frankly. I'm thankful that my wife and TBA son are healthy. I'm thankful that President John McCain isn't going to happen. I'm thankful that I'm sitting at home with a cup of coffee, not running around looking for holiday deals and raising my blood pressure. I'm very thankful to be starting a new job soon. But what I'm most thankful for at this particular moment is that I don't have Xbox Live.

Let's be clear: I'm a member of the video game generation. All you kids out there who enjoy the most sophisticated electronic gaming systems ever seen? Next time you see a 30-something guy on the street, take time out to thank him. If it weren't for my generation freaking out about Super Mario Bros., Zelda, Mega Man, and of course, that amazing Nintendo Entertainment System sitting under the Christmas tree in the 1980's, gaming would have died with Atari and you'd all still be playing with Pogs to pass the time.

As I've gotten older and responsibilities have mounted in my life, my time to devote to one of my favorite hobbies has diminished greatly. I also realize that once Max gets here, my gaming time will practically vanish. And I'm okay with that. I still sneak some time to bust out some Wii or DS here and there, but what was my obsession a decade earlier just isn't feasible in the here and now. My days of blowing off astronomy class at UCSC in favor of playing Final Fantasy VII all day (f*&%ing Ruby Weapon...) have been replaced with getting an hour of Super Smash Bros. Brawl in while my wife is at prenatal yoga.

If I were rich and never had to work again, I would make sure I had a lot more gaming time, but all the gaming time in the world would not make me get Xbox Live. In the most recent issue to EGM, there is a hysterical article about the "Top 10 Things We've Learned About Ourselves from Xbox Live". It seems that the XBL experience consists of 12 year olds you've never met talking smack over a headset, while screaming at their mothers to bring them drinks while they sneakily frag you in Halo 3.

How on earth is this supposed to entice me? When I was younger, I loved getting together with my friends for some friendly competition, be it Street Fighter II, Mario Kart, or Dragon Ball Z. And you know what? I can still get together with my friends for a little Guitar Hero or Mario Party, and still have a good time. There's a healthy level of competition, and everybody wants to win. There may even be a little trash talking that takes place. But the important thing is that when the night is over, we've all had a good time.

I can't grasp the joy there is in a wifi battle for supremacy with a group of people you've never even met. At least at competitive gaming events, everybody is in the same place, and you can actually see the person you're playing against. The concept of playing against some teenager I don't know who doesn't have any responsibilities so he can devote his time to mastering the latest version of Call of Duty isn't appealing in the least. Not only are you going to lose to him, but he'll insult you in that simplistic manner that once you graduated from high school, you were guaranteed not to have to put up with anymore. And all of this in a faux-slang accent that he picked up from his 50 Cent albums, even though he really grew up on the mean streets of Dixon, TN. I was supposed to be able to leave that behind in high school as well, DJ Jazzy Trevor.

And if you do beat him? What joy is there in crushing a child? Who are you going to brag to? You Mom? In my case, my wife? Neither of them are going to be terribly impressed, I can tell you.

Yes, I'm becoming an old fuddy-duddy. My gaming skills are diminishing, and it's a little sad. I remember being much more adept at Super Mario Bros. than my poor Dad, and I'm sure a little part of me will die when I'm playing the third iteration of the Wii with Max and he totally schools my ass. But the madness of XBL and Playstation Network is indicative of a major problem we have in this country. We Americans have a tendency to take great ideas, and blow them out of proportion to a level of largess and excess that becomes ridiculous. Trading insults over a group game of Halo isn't social interaction; It's mocking an abstract concept of another human being. Gaming parties are awesome, and I'll have them as long as I can. But battling people I'll never know for a position of gaming supremacy? Pass.