Monday Night Raw in Review: 11-17-08

We kick things off a little differently this week, as Brian Gewertz obviously saw the news clips from the G-20 Summit, so the entire roster is in the ring for a "Superstar Forum". Aren't we supposed to call them "entertainers" now, Jerry? Anyway, Stephanie joins us, looking way too much like Sarah Palin. The roster is invited to ask questions, and everyone's favorite King of the Douchebags Randy Orton is up first. He wants to know why John Cena gets the Survivor Series title shot, and what makes him so special. Like any good politician, Steph deflects the question, blaming Shane for the Cena call, but John Cena is a top contender blah blah blah. I hope this segment is going somewhere. Cody Rhodes is up next, bitching about being on a team with the guy who kicked his buddy in the head. Steph blahs some more and sets up a lumberjack match between Orton and Punk. We finally start going somewhere as SANTINO! steps up to ask a question, which he will ask in the form of a rap. Watching the people in the ring who can't stay in character during the Santino show is priceless. Akward moment as Santino has a funny line on rapper Acorn, but Steph uses her powers of boring to step all over the punchline. Now we get JBL, asking where Vince is (oh god, we couldn't do "Vince is dead" so we're settling for "Vince is missing?"), and we set up Team Shawn v. Team JBL at the PPV. The Heartbreak Middle-Aged Man jumps JBL and steals the cowboy hat! Oh, it is on, bitch.

Kelly Kelly v. Victoria: The announcers let us know that we get a Diva v. Diva match at Survivor Series. Oh, joy. Punchy-kicky from Victoria turns into a sloppy hurricanrana from Kelly, who gets a surprisingly competent handspring elbow in before getting clotheslined for her troubles. Backbreaker from Victoria into the Arachnaphobia, but it only gets two. Kelly evaporates any good will by totally botching a corner spot, then gets a horrid roll-up for the pin. Ugh. Victoria nails Kelly from behind (I'd be pissed too if my opponent botched up a simple backbreaker spot) and a Widow's Peak brings out the babyface cavalry (which includes Jillian, because faces and heels and storylines don't matter when it's Raw v. Smackdown, baby!) and Beth Phoenix throws Victoria to the Raw wolves. Short and bad. 1/2*

Batista v. Manu: This is the singles debut for one-third of the second generation jobbers. Randy joins us as Manu gets a spike to the throat, and we get the obligatory Samoan headbutt spot only 15 seconds into the match. Attempted Batista Bomb is turned into a samoan drop as Manu is getting a shocking amount of offense in on the #1 babyface. Spinning heel kick gets two for Manu. He posts big Dave, then goes to the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DEATH! Man, two minutes in and both guys are blown up?! Dave fights out, but the shoulder gives way on the irish whip, and Manu gets a Real Estate Steve splash in the corner. That gets two, as does another headbutt to the shoulder, and the protection of Manu continues to amaze me. Batista gets a boot to the face and a spinebuster, but another B-Bomb gets reversed by Manu. Spear and a third attempt at the Batista Bomb finally ends it. A little plodding, but great psychology working the shoulder, and Manu wasn't made to look like a total chump. Call it **. Cody starts to get in the ring, but thinks better of it. Dave is sick of Randy, and he better worry about Survivor Series, not John Cena.

Boring Corporate Steph bring out CHEIF JAY STRONGBOW! Man, he doesn't look good, and it's not just the light pink polo shirt.

King Douchebag mocks Cody for not fighting Batista, and talks up his approching domination of C.M. Punk. Cody replies with "Keep talking, it's what you're best at." CLOWNED.

Todd Grisham intoduces a video package for Evan Bourne, highlighting his sweet Shooting Star Press, as well as the ankle injury. Considering he hasn't been around that long, Bourne gets a decent pop from the live crowd. Evan tells us he'll be ready to go, but his interview gets interrupted by Mike Knox and his beard. They just stare at each other, then Grizzly Knox heads to the back.

HBK and Rey Mysterio do a goofy bit that doesn't go anywhere (though Shawn gets a good knock in on Hulk Hogan's shitty CMT show), and Dolph Ziggler shows up randomly. Is it written into all the ex-Spirit Squad guy's contracts that HBK gets to humiliate them in perpetuity throughout the universe?

John Morrison and The Miz v. Rey Mysterio and Shawn Michaels: Shawn's Survivor Series team sounds really good until you get to that "Great Khali" part. Sweet opening sequence between HBK and Morrison, with nice double-teaming by Rey and Shawn. Rey shows Kelly how you're supposed to hit a hurricanrana, but goes for the 619 and gets tripped up by Miz. That gets a baseball slide and slingshot bodypress from Shawn, and Rey hits a painful looking slingshot bulldog into the announce table on Morrison as we go to break. Come back with the heels in control. Miz gets a bodyslam on Shawn, but a springboard legdrop misses. Rey tags in for another great sequence, but takes a sick bump into the post from the apron and is out of the ring. Double gut-buster by the heels, and Miz digs the knee into the back. Rey fights out and Morrison takes over. The Bret Hart chest-into-turnbuckle spot gets two, and Morrison slaps on an abdominal stretch, although Rey is so short it looks almost like a stump-puller. Miz comes in with some stomps and a legdrop and gets two for his troubles. Rey catches Morrison coming off the ropes with a dropkick and it's hot tag Shawn. In homage to Scott Keith coining the phrase for Bret Hart, I give you Shawn Michaels' FIVE MOVES OF DOOM: Flying forearm, inverted atomic drop, bodyslam, flying elbow, Sweet Chin Music. We only get four however, as Miz evades the superkick, and fights off the figure-four to boot! HBK no-sells the Flair flop and goes for a pin, but Morrison breaks up the count. It's PANDALERIUM in the ring, as Rey hits the 619 into Sweet Chin Music, but Morrison hits his own superkick for the pin on Michales! HBK v. John Morrison? I'm there, baby. ***1/2 for a great old-school tag match with four of the best in the business.

We get another great John Cena video package. Maybe if we put this much effort into guys who need to get over as opposed to the one's who are already over...

The best heel in the business and your World Heavyweight Champion CHRIS JERICHO is watching TV with Boring Corporate Steph. Cena is apparently a bad influence, and the only way to prevent total chaos on Raw is if Jericho retains the title this Sunday. Also, everyone wants Jericho to retain, even though they won't admit it. SAVE ME!

Grisham is back (again?!?) to interview C.M. Punk. We review Punk getting screwed out of the title. Punk is frustrated, so frustrated he can't deliver an interesting promo. Blah blah lumberjack match blah blah, Randy can't escape blah blah I've worked for everything I have. Anyway, it's payback time.

JBL and Kane in the locker room. JBL is a great leader, and feels they're compatible with each other. Kane makes his second reference to his fued with Shane McMahon in as many weeks, making me think we've got some call back to that storyline coming up.

Cryme Tyme v. JBL and Kane: JBL and JTG start, and I'm going to go crazy typing this. Irish whip gets the Goldust throat-thrust from JTG, and Shad is in. JBL comeback is stopped short, and a slingshot shoulderblock by JTG gets two. Cryme Tyme works the arm off frequent tags, but JTG puts his head down, allowing the forearm from JBL and the tag to Kane. Bodyslam and low dropkick by Kane, and then whe get all punch punch punchy. Side slam and a flying clothesline, but JBL tags himself in while Kane is signaling for the chokeslam. Clothesline from Wallstreet ends the match. Short and to the point *1/2.

Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne get jumped backstage by Mike Knox and his beard. Kofi gets laid out, and while Bourne struggles to get up on his crutches, Knox calmly kicks him over in a great bit of douchebaggery, then hits Bourne's injured ankle with the crutch. I don't know if the matches will be any good, but the old school set-up is excellent.

Champion v. Champion: William Regal v. Matt Hardy. Neither title is on the line here. Bill cuts a promo, extolling the virtues of England and running down the U.S. Matt goes for quick pins early off of a schoolboy and a backslide, but Regal dumps him and nails him with a very slow kneelift. We go outside and trade faceplants into the apron, and the bullshit double count-out ends this early. DUD. They continue to brawl on the outside as the refs break it up.

Chris Jericho joins us in the ring for a chat. Jericho's story is much more impressive than Cena's, he tells us. We get a recap of his winning the undisupted title in 2001, the scramble match, and his dominance in ladder and cage matches. He's mad that he awesome skills are overshadowed by the Cena hype. Jericho's delivery is amazing in this. Note to aspiring wrestlers: Take. Acting. Classes. Anyway, Jericho is the true centerpiece of Raw since he's the champ (hard to argue with that logic), and he ends the fairy tale of John Cena at Survivor Series.

Lumberjack Match: Randy Orton v. C.M. Punk. They circle each other before the lockup, and engage in a nice reversal sequence, including a slick drop toehold into a front facelock by Punk. Orton tosses Punk, but he's back in before the heels can jump him. Randy gets the same treatment, but the faces simply shove him back in with no beatdown. Huh? A Punk schoolboy gets two, as does a backslide. Orton gets tossed again, and this time stupidly nails Jamie Noble, leading to a babyface beatdown. Now why would you provoke them when 30 seconds ago they gave you a pass? I guess that's why Randy Orton is King of the Douchebags. Orton back in, greeted by kicks to the quads by Punk. He accidentally posts himself however, and Mark Henry drags him out to Heel Land. Face-Heel showdown leads to Henry dumping Punk back in the ring for two. Orton stomps various extremeties, but does his videogame taunt and Punk catches him. Dropkick gets two for Orton, as does a knee to the back of the head, and we hit the chinlock. Punk fights up but gets stopped by a European uppercut and a scoop powerslam. Chinlock time AGAIN, as I get distracted by shots of D-Lo Brown, looking miserable and 30 pounds overweight. Spinning neckbreaker by Punk leads to a count by the ref, and Punk gets all punchy-kicky, but in the good, non-suck way. Kneelift-bulldog combo gets two, and Batista distracts Randy, allowing Punk to set up the GTS. Orton is able to counter and goes for the RKO, but a Punk dropkick sends him out to the heel side. Punk with a plancha wipes out Orton and some of the heels, but Regal distracts him long enough for Orton to hit the RKO and that is all. Aside from Randy's interminable chinlock sequences, nothing offensive. **3/4. Randy tries for the punt kick to put the exclamation point on his victory, but Big Dave stops him, and everybody fights with each other as we wrap the show up.

All in all, a good "go home" show for Survivor Series. All of the feuds were highlighted, and we got a sweet tag match to boot. We'll see if ECW and Smackdown can measure up.